Heroes

I'm attending the 2016 RACGP 'Women in General Practice' conference in 

Melbourne this weekend and the excitingly brilliant day of learning has ended with a dinner with one of my heroes.

Professor Leanne Rowe is the co-author of 'First Do No Harm: Being a resilient doctor in the 21st century'; the other co-author being Professor Michael Kidd, another hero of mine.

In the time she was speaking to us, without her realising it, Professor Rowe had answered every single one of the lingering questions that have been painfully plaguing my mind for the past 6 months.

A part of me felt relieved and ever so grateful. Another part of me felt guilty, embarrassed and ashamed.

She reminded me of the person I aspired to be. And it wasn't the list of accolades and accomplishments that she's acquired over the years (although they indeed are mind-blowingly impressive)... It was her. Not Leanne Rowe the Professor... But Leanne Rowe the woman, the mother, the general practitioner.

I have spent a large percentage of my life in pursuit of my life's true purpose, with life events leading me down the path of General Practice. But in light of that, I look at myself and my life right now and I can't help but feel somewhat out of place. I don't recognise my reflection. I feel uncomfortable under my skin. I feel betrayed and like I've been a betrayer.

I've put my life on hold when I said I wouldn't. I've let go parts of myself when I promised myself I'd hold on to them. I've focused on the wrong things, I've got my priorities mixed up and it feel like the foundations under me have shifted.

I've let my fears and unrealistic expectations of myself direct me down a road that, while I enjoy taking, would have much rather strolled through while stopping occasionally to sniff the roses and admire the view, rather than whizzing by on the bullet train.

After deliberating for so long and agonising over what would be the right way to live out the next 5 to 15 years of my life, I have finally found the courage to make the decision to live my life the way I want to, and not the way I feel that I should.

I'm putting on the brakes and stepping off the bullet train. I think it's time I put my runners on and went for a stroll instead. Recharge myself to the fullest and take in some solitude.

To Professor Leanne Rowe... Although I doubt you will likely ever stumble upon this... In the off-chance that you do...

I just wanted to say, Thank you. 

A Brave New World

There is a certain discomfort that comes with doing something new and unfamiliar. Quite often though, it's the initial bit that scares you, but once you've actually done it, the anxiety dissipates and you come out of it with the knowledge that you've conquered something.

As a brand new General Practice Registrar, every day and every patient is new and unfamiliar. There is so much to learn and just when you think you've got it down, you get thrown a curve ball.

If I could give some advice to my past-self from a month ago, it would be this.

Get used to the feeling of discomfort. You and it are going to be best friends for a while.

There will be wins and you'll get some time to recover if you make time and effort for it, but ultimately, it's going to be hit after hit after hit, and you won't get a choice but to get up each and every time.

Set up a good support system. You'll need it like a drowning person needs a lifeline.

And above all else, don't lose sight of why you're in it. It's the only thing that's going to get you through.